IT TAKES A VILLAGE...

"I would rather have 1% of 100 people's efforts

than 100% of my own." - Andrew Carnegie

     In desperation she said, "I don't know what to do. I can't do this...I need some help..." The invitation to be VILLAGE begins. I am just one and her need was greater than my strength. Circumstance has knocked this tender young life down one too many times and the wounds run deep...
     It's ironic... I detest asking for help for myself--I don't want to "need" anyone. But when the asking is for the sake of helping someone I care about so deeply, I can't even hesitate--this opportunity to show another how God blesses. We aren't meant to trudge through this life alone. God knows that this beautiful young lady is a champion in the making, filled with possibility. She's just in need of an encouraging and supportive community.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." - Hebrews 12:1-2 NLT

     Sometimes the only thing between God's purpose and where we are is the UN-knowing of that "huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith."  So I began recruiting--I needed help to help her. In all honesty, I wasn't expecting too much. My request was last minute; the air was more than 100 degrees; and the circumstances we would enter crackled with tension, drama, and confrontation. Who would even consider going with me into this "business" that was not their own? 

    But this girl's well-being and faith depended on it, so God prompted hearts. This task was more than just moving someone from place to place--it was showing her that faith can move mountains. So I began texting... First my son. He was easy--he can hardly say no to his own Mom! And he's a big-hearted guy to boot! But even though I see him as my own personal Superman sometimes, I knew that his strength was still not enough. So one by one, I texted the "faithful" who are so often willing to help if they are able. And finally, my fellow staff members. I'm not sure why I waited till last to ask those who walk beside me in ministry every week. Why would I even hesitate wondering if they would stand with me now? But you know what? They answered the call--all these whom God had chosen for this particular task. These who will continue to be witnesses with her and for her. I am humbled in my doubt and reminded that races are meant to run together. As this "village" gathered around my sweet friend in her need, they gathered around me and around each other. And as God works miracle upon miracle, one other unsuspecting new recruit with stories yet untold discovered this brand new truth for herself too. I am so blessed to be a part of a "village." 

    As God would have it, the work of many made light the work of one. You see, a "village" adds strength in numbers that we couldn't possible have if we run a race solo. One ant can't move a slice of bread on his own but a colony can work together and move it even if crumb by crumb. This arduous and grueling task was accomplished in a fraction of the time it would have taken had I tried to be the Lone Ranger. But there was so much more blessing than just the addition of brawn and brains...

    Because of the circumstances, this was a tense and unpleasant task, crackling with confrontation. In her fear, my young friend may have backed down or run away, but our "village" came together in the spirit of Christ with love, fellowship, "can do" attitude, and most of all smiles--an encouragement that she desperately needed. Because of their presence and positive spirit, confrontation was avoided and this young woman walked through these moments with courage rather than fear. She FACED FEAR; and that "great big wolf" suddenly became not much more than a chihuahua. She can now move forward into her NEW LIFE WITH CONFIDENCE... She has a village behind her.

     Just a few days ago, this precious girl was at wit's end not knowing which way to turn. She knew she had a couple of friends who would do what they could regardless how meager it might be, but today SHE HAS A VILLAGE--each member offering their 1%, 10%, or whatever God calls them to offer. Added together, even 1% can far exceed 100%; and we are all reminded, just as this now-hopeful young woman is discovering, that each one of us has a wider circle of love and support that we ever knew existed. That alone is well worth the effort to "ask for help."

 "There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service,

but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways,

but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. . .

The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit. . .

All of you together are Christ’s body,

and each of you is a part of it."

- From 1 Corinthians 12 NLT 

THE PAST'S UNDOING

     There's no denying that the struggles in my past have impacted my life--have directed my passions and priorities in many ways. No doubt, had it not been for violence in my own life, I probably wouldn't have such a passion for women who have been through unspeakable circumstances. Had I not made regrettable mistakes, I wouldn't now be such a proponent in this fight to silence the silence that enables violence to shake and thunder through the lives of innocent people like an avalanche. No doubt, if I hadn't known the struggles of being a mom of five and being poor, I wouldn't have such compassion for new young moms struggling to be more "mom" than they've ever known themselves. Had I not known the heartbreak of caring for my father-in-law and a precious friend in their last months and hours, I wouldn't know now that there is more to this life than THIS life... If I had not lost them, I wouldn't understand that there is life after loss when I need now to know it best so that I may encourage my kids and friends who lose those they love.
     I often hear that our pasts make us who we are, but that just doesn't settle well with me. I understand that my life is influenced by my experience but my past did NOT make me who I am today. If I was a product of my past, I wouldn't be here today.
     Many of us have pasts that we are not proud of--we all have those parts of our lives we would rather forget or keep hidden... Those secrets that we are so ashamed of or traumatized by that they become our undoing. And in honesty, I have to admit that there was a time that those struggles and tragedies burrowed so deeply in every part of my heart that I couldn't--I wouldn't--see anything beyond the circumstances that defined me. Raped--I'm ruined. Abused--I'm worthless. Guilty--I'm condemned. Rejected--I'm unwanted. Forgotten--I'm unneeded. There was a time that my past became my own undoing--dismantling my life piece by piece. I was so trapped in the pain and scars of my past and lost in the hurt that I withdrew from life itself and gave up everything, even the good. I wished my life away and prayed to a God I didn't really understand for the strength and the release to make that wish true. 
       There was a day when the decision had been made, the plan had been laid out, my goodbyes had been written with pleas for those I loved most to be stronger than I... I had tried before but this time I knew what I was doing--it would be the time that I was successful. One last pause to look behind me before I went out the door....and something happened. 
      God stood in my way and whispered, "I am here." And He began the process of undoing my past rather than letting my past undo me. If my past had "made" me, my life would have turned out very differently--not in a good way. If my past had "made" me, I would be someone else entirely, incapable of giving and receiving love or of even knowing love. But I am NOT a product of my past... I am a product of GRACE.
     God stood in my way and GRACE happened. He began writing a brand new story. If not for GRACE, my past would have left me in shambles, incapable of repair. If not for GRACE, I would still be hiding in the shadows and memories of my past, shattered by them. If not for GRACE, I would be an empty, lonely shell, void of love and life. If not for GRACE, I would be drowning in guilt, consumed with bitterness and hatefulness, seeking vengeance that was not mine to gain. If not for GRACE, I would still be looking backward with regret rather than forward with hope. If not for GRACE, I would be dead by my own hand...
    GRACE made me who I am today. My past left me completely "undone" but GRACE transformed me, re-created me, and made me brand new. GRACE took the broken pieces left by my past and made something good and beautiful from them. If not for God's AMAZING GRACE, I would never have discovered that life begins again each day I let my past go... GRACE ALONE is the "undoing" of my past.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and gall. I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have HOPE:

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed
for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for Him."

Lamentations 3:19-24 NIV

IF ONLY I HAD....

    "If only I had..." Oh, how often those words have tumbled through my guilt-ridden brain. If only I had been brave enough, strong enough, bold enough... If only I had defended myself...If only I had told someone...If only...if only..if only..., then my life would have been different. I would have been a better mother, a better wife, a better woman... I wouldn't have hurt the ones I love the most...maybe. If only I had known what I know now... 
     Back then, I let my circumstances determine that I was shameful, ugly, worthless, and hopeless. The silence of shame does that, and we believe the lies. Then shame makes us liars and cowards. If I tell, then I will be hurt again...or killed. If I tell, then everyone will know and I won't ever be able to get over it... Better to pretend it didn't happen. If I tell, my marriage will fall apart, my children won't trust me to care for them, and people will think I'm crazy. If I tell, my offender will deny and lie, no one will believe me, my offender will make good on his promise to hurt another... Isn't it ironic that often the things we may fear in our silence are the reality of our "if only's" now? At least they became so for me... If only I had told, we would have gotten past it and my marriage would have survived. I would be closer to my children and they would be stronger and more secure. If only I had told, maybe he would have been stopped and others wouldn't have become victims too. But would it really? Can I be certain that if only...then none of things would have come to pass. Do you see it? Silence makes us victims and sometimes even creates new victims. The guilt of it can still consume if I allow it.
     Rape, domestic violence, molestation and abuse, gang violence, hate crimes....people become unwilling slaves to hurts that are bigger than life. Little do we know the freedom that comes from telling someone. Our fear and shame enables the hurt to continue--not just within us but for those other victims who may lie in wake of the violence that continues in our silence. 
     If only I had...but I didn't. For a long time, my silence caused my circumstances to determine who and what I was. Honestly, there are times I still struggle with that self-image. Back then, I didn't stand up or fight back. I lived in so much shame and fear of those secrets being revealed that I was suicidal and a harm to myself. My family was destroyed. I was less the woman, the wife, and the mother I could have been...should have been...back then.

     I couldn't tell a living soul but every once in a moment of despair, I cried out to God before I crawled back in my cave of hopelessness and shame. And that was enough. NOTHING REMAINS IN THE DARK when put into the hands of a God who turns darkness into light...even when I try to hide in it. 

I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night--but even in darkness I cannot hide from You. To You the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to You.

 Psalm 139:11-13

Today is a different story--a new day. I can't live my life in "if only's," just wishing for what might have or should have been. That same God who seemed so far in the distance when I cried out to Him in despair heard me. He shone a light in the middle of my darkness. Today, I can't fix my "if only's," but I can move forward. No, I didn't shout my shame from the rooftops or expose every detail to the world. And no, offenders haven't found their just dues in a criminal court--God's justice is a work in progress. And no, my pain and ordeal has not been erased from memory... God doesn't "undo" our past--He brings light into it.

In Him was Life, and that Life was the light of all mankind. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

John 1:4-5

     His Light blazed the day I told someone. The darkness was overcome. I didn't tell the whole world--I told one single person who listened, and Light became Life. I'm not sure how the kinetics of it works--that's a God-thing, no doubt--but in telling one person, I began to want more for my life. I could see the light at the end of this tunnel of fear and shame. I began to fight back. In time, I began to realize that my circumstances do not make me...they may be used to shape me but they are only tools in the hands of the Potter. He didn't will for harm to come to me--evil is the choice of evil men. (Our God is a God that loves us enough to let us choose to love Him back. Some don't choose to love...) But I have a God who is so much bigger than my circumstances and the choices of men. God alone created me and He has worked "all things together"--every circumstance--for my good because I love Him. He shines His light on those rough and damaged places. He smooths those scars and faults with His gentle hands and makes something beautiful. 

    There are times in the shadows, that it appears evil wins a battle, but Light reveals that it can't win the war. In the Light, I am made stronger in my weak places. The evil that once sought to destroy my life is now the loser as I begin to tell some of my story and to share what God has done. Silence didn't win. Though my telling won't necessarily bring my assailants to justice in a courtroom, other victims can find hope, courage, and strength as I encourage them to tell their stories--to fight back. hey can find peace and healing in telling at least one person and maybe their offenders won't go free.And I can find peace in knowing that maybe their offenders won't go free. I can't rewind my "if only's" but I can look forward to the future.
     Who really knows what may have changed--or not--if only I had raised my voice years ago? But the important thing to remember is that one day, I finally did. If by sharing my journey now, one victim ends his or her silence one day sooner, my hope is secure. One day can make all the difference. It did for me.
     

As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me and my God will certainly hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, He will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies. The Lord will bring me into the Light, and I will see His righteousness.

Micah 7:7-9

EVERYDAY HEROES DON'T BACK DOWN

     I remember how that word sliced through me like a knife. I couldn't say it myself out loud. I wanted to pretend that isn't what happened. TC persisted, "Why don't you get mad? He RAPED you..." I cringed--not so much at the anger in his voice as at the word itself. His anger was at the man, not me. The violence was denied vehemently yet I had lived the silent shame of it for years. I knew it but I couldn't say it out loud--as if not speaking it made it less true...
     Fast forward to about a year ago...another counselor insists, "He RAPED you." Another time, another place--yet still a victim. I tried making excuses but they fell lame. PI knew me well. "No, he RAPED you." The word still cut through me as it did years before, shredding my insides. I had come too far to go back to the way it used to be. His frustration was obvious, but I knew it too. My soul was shredded by it. It was easier to excuse the violence--to blame myself somehow. But it was time. I had to face the truth--I had to speak it. I wanted to run or hide but finally, the words barely came out as a whisper, "He raped me..." and it felt like a dam exploded inside my heart... My life began again that day I said it out loud--this time no longer a victim but a survivor...
    Fast forward to now...I was confronted this week about the way I teach. That in HOPE--a support and recovery group for women who are surviving difficult circumstances--I talk too much about struggles women face...If I say the words--MOLESTATION or RAPE or ADDICTION or ABUSE--someone in the room may take it "personally." Those words are personal--because it happened to them too. Many women live with the horror of domestic violence, abuse, childhood molestation, and rape yet they keep their secrets and refuse to speak out because of their shame. Because of their silence, that crippling shame take its toll as these broken and shattered women sink even deeper into hopelessness, depression and other mental disorders, alcoholism, addictions, self-injury, and sometimes even promiscuity.  Our silence becomes the deafening roar that shatters any remaining shard of confidence and hope. It destroys us one day at a time, soundlessly chipping away at the core of who we are. I know because I have seen it up close and I've lived it firsthand. I understand the silence all too well...
     But as long as we remain silent, we remain victims. That's a hard lesson to learn--I too was a stubborn student. Chad--pastor of Mission Abilene--is an even more stubborn teacher. I've often heard (or read) him quote William Wilberforce,

"LET IT NOT BE SAID THAT I WAS SILENT WHEN THEY NEEDED ME..." 

And he isn't silent--not at all. When I met Chad, I was a different person than I am today. I was hopeless, so deeply ashamed, and incapable of helping myself. I didn't have much to live for and had just about given up the fight. But Chad is one of those everday heroes who doesn't EVER back down from the TRUTH. TIme and again, he told me I had to stand up for myself...I had to speak up and tell the truth. Over the years, his influence finally brought me to the day I could finally say the words out loud...This time, I wouldn't remain a victim. This time, violence had to take it's icy grip off of me. 

     Over the last 8 years or so, I've personally seen him do the same thing with others who were chained by the silence of their shame. Violence knocked them to the ground, but with Chad's persistence and patient but firm prodding, violence didn't consume. Victims began to speak out. In the last four years, Chad has taken an even greater stand and made his passion public: STOP THE VIOLENCE. We will host our 4th annual rally and event August 27. From the very beginning, his main purpose was to get people to take a stand and speak up...For victims to let go of the shameful secrets... For witnesses to have the courage to speak up and testify... For friends, loved ones, and citizens to take a stand and speak out against violence. To do whatever they can, wherever they can... ALL that they can to cease violence. It has to begin right where we are. 

     "Stop the Violence" is a movement that began with one man's hope that by speaking out, he could change the world. By speaking up and exposing violence, the statistics will turn upside down and violence won't be the number on top. Silence is evil's greatest weapon. It enables evil men and women to commit their atrocities time and time again as they go unchecked. If I could put it in one simple phrase, Chad STANDS FOR TRUTH. He doesn't back down or back away. He doesn't try to pretty it up with nicer, less impactful words and he doesn't try to hide it just because it's sometimes hard to take. I am only one who has been impacted by his persistence, his wisdom, and his love for the least of us. There are so many others...  TRUTH WINS and violence is defeated for those who have been recipients and witnesses to Chad's mission. Because he was willing to speak truth to me, I was slowly but inevitably changed as are others. Gang members have found the courage to give up their rags and turn their lives around.  Geana--a survivor of brutal, unthinkable violence--is now one of the bravest women I know because she can tell her story. Even a member of the mafia left a lifestyle of money, women, and power to become something greater--even if that means imperfect and poorer. I've seen lives totally changed and turned around as the family of Albert Cadena keeps his hope and memory alive as they strive to live out his legacy of life-changing faith. 

     Story after story, lives are undeniably changed. Violence loses; Love wins. Evil loses its hold as people begin to speak up and make some noise...All because one man said, "I have to do something." All because Chad said, "I won't be silent any more." He has held to his promise and he didn't stop there--he implores all of us to silence the silence.  Chad has held firm to his purpose. His spirit hasn't waned with time or energy spent. He is more passionate today than he was even four years ago. 
    Yes, I am only one that was changed. But because Chad had the courage to speak truth when I didn't want to hear, I want other women like me to hear it. He and others made me face the truth. I got my life back and I have no regrets. I'm still alive today because of that hard-hitting truth...because they made me say my worst shame out loud. So in HOPE, I won't back down and I won't give in. I will still speak about truths that may make some uncomfortable or cringe. I will not pretty up those ugly words because I want the women to take control rather than let a violent past control them. As long as we remain silent, we cannot heal because our violent offenders have accomplished their purpose to humiliate and intimidate. If we are no longer silent, they no longer have power over us. If I raise my voice and make some noise, maybe others will find the HOPE that I have found because one man had the courage to stand up for the truth...Because he was not silent when I needed him the most. As for me, "Let it never be said that I was silent..."
     Thanks Chad for being my everyday hero...

EVERY DAY

Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it!”  But he was also afraid and said, “What an awesome place this is! It is none other than the house of God, the very gateway to heaven!”

Genesis 28:16-17 NLT

 
    I woke in the morning and looked out the patio door of my room...My first thought was, "Oh my God!"....And I meant every word of it, as if experiencing God's very own hand-built cathedral--surrounded by lake and mountains all intertwined with each other. And the beauty of it all brings me to worship...To worship this glorious Architect who created all with loving hands to share His glory with such as me.

    
    I prayed only a few days ago that I would be awed by God and nature and life...to see the magnificence of life and be touched by it. And the "wow" has begun. At this moment in this time away from my norm, I inhale--breathing in life and being glad for this, not just lake and mountains but to be alive. And I suddenly realize that my desire is not just for a moment of awe but for every day to be touched by His grace and beauty. 
     My prayer now--to be touched by His magnificence in my every day--not just out of my element, but right in the middle of it...to see that which God has made beautiful with new eyes that see beyond the mortally visual to His throne of holiness. In mountains and lakes and pines that stretch tall to the sky but also in marigolds, black-eyed susans, children, paint, colors, and Texas sky, I want to "see" with His eyes and behold what is real and present in this moment...in every day.

He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

 Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

 Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

   “Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

Luke 18:38-41

SAVORING SUMMER!

     Summer has kicked off with sizzling 100+ temperatures. When asked what my plans are for the summer, my first thought is enjoy the A/C!!!  This is the first summer since childhood that I get to enjoy adequate cooling for my house. I am SOOO enjoying my new home--for many other reasons than just the A/C. But I have to admit, the A/C makes the summer heat stretching before us much less intimidating!...
     My summer is filled primarily with writing and helping to organize our annual Stop the Violence event. My work doesn't really seem like "work" in that dreaded sense--I'm looking forward to every moment! Writing is cathartic for me and helps me to face and think through the issues of life that I would otherwise avoid. And though I sometimes struggle through the process, I am changed by it. 
     "Stop the Violence" is so much more than just an event for me. It's inhabits hope, possibility, and healing for myself and for so many others. I love seeing the entire community and even beyond--individuals, businesses, churches, and non-profit organizations--come together to take a stand against violence. I love hearing the stories and meeting people who are overcoming the paralyzing and traumatic effects of violence and witnessing their growth and healing. And if I ever wonder if we are spitting against the wind in this effort, I meet one after another of those inspiring people who move from being victims to being survivors but don't stop there. They march that next mile as they turn their tragic past circumstances around by stepping up and speaking out to end violence and to make a difference for themselves, for others, and even for future generations. That's the greatest reward in letting my work be my passion.
     Although these two great passions consume much of my summer, I still plan on taking time to rejuvenate and take life with joy. It's odd that what I look forward to the most is watching my children stretch their wings and fly...even though it means they get further and further from my nest. I will watch with anticipation as my daughter blossoms in her pregnancy--I am excited and overjoyed at becoming a G-MOM!!! As this little one grows inside her, I can also see Brittany making a life with the man that I know God placed in her life at just the right moment to step in shoes left vacant too soon as they turn the page and begin this next chapter of life. Her dad would have no reservations placing the reins in Larry's hands. Brittany is growing from the inside out--heart-wise, not just belly-wise! 
     Andy and Megan are already busy making their March wedding plans (what a wedding that will be!) But even more exciting, they are making their life plans. Andy will be seeking a teaching position in the Waco area as Megan prepares for law school. Although a part of me dreads seeing him leave, my heart knows that Andy has been preparing for this next chapter of his life for a very long time. I can't wait to see what God will do in him and through him. 
     Mikey and Kaci are already beginning to make his childhood home their very own. And I look forward to the changes and growth that will take place in the process. Their new chapter reads like a faithful novel of endurance. Zachary will be coming to Texas to visit and making plans for life outside the Marines next fall. I love to hear his excitement as he anticipates this brand new chapter with all it's challenges and expectations. And finally, though I won't see him, I look forward to those rare precious phonecalls and facebook messages from Elias as he lives his present purpose in Afghanistan. I love watching the man he is becoming.
      But life isn't all about being just a spectator. As my children make their own lives, I have to make mine as well. To be more comfortable in my own skin and enjoy life as it is rather than wish for what I think it should be or regret what it hasn't been. And I can't just be so busy that life just passes by without my noticing. I have to be actively involved in my "today" and be content in it. So I already have several gallons and colors of paint waiting to brighten my life as I make my home my own and more personal. In the process, I am going to try my hand at some Chinese painting techniques--with a couple of my own unique touches of course. I also want to take some time away from the "norm"--somewhere out of my element. I'm not quite certain how or where but I want to to be wowed by life and nature and God in extraordinary ways...
    The summer stretches before us. Colors of love, laughter, contentment, creativity, rejuvenation, expectation, and "neverbefores"--seeing the magnificence of life and being touched by it.... All in a single summer! It's gonna be great!

EVEN THOUGH...

     Habakkuk by name means "wrestle or embrace." He lived up to his name and how he wrestled! He asked all those questions we are often too afraid to ask. Why is there so much evil in the world? Why does violence always seem to win? Why cancer? Why do good people suffer and die and evil men live and prosper? Why doesn't the pain go away? Why? Why? WHY? But no answers come...not such that mends broken hearts and restores what has been stolen...it seems.
     This wrestling doesn't even come close to an embrace. To "wrestle or embrace"? It doesn't make sense--one doesn't seem to line up with the other. I can't embrace someone or something I'm fighting against--especially when so often I don't even know what that is. But then I think of my children when they were small--when, as Mom, I had to persist in those dreaded tasks a mother has to do for the sake of her children...you know, pull out a sticker, give bitter medicine, hold frightened and wriggling child still while Doctor gives stitches or sets an arm, discipline when child doesn't understand, and grasp angry flailing fists to keep him from hurting self or someone else. In turn, each one of my children wrestled against me--against what was best because,in the moment, that which they fought against--the medicine,the cure, the discipline--was too painful, too distasteful, or too confining. How many times did I hear those words that almost every parent hears? The same words Habakkuk cried out to God, "WHY? IT'S NOT FAIR!"
      Even though they couldn't see or understand that I was doing what was best for them, they would fight me with all they had. Being Mom and just as stubborn, I had to persevere till the task was finished. Medicine down, stitches sewn, sticker removed, even anger and vengeance abated while we wrestled and in so doing, I kept them safe. Finally, all energy spent, my little beloved one would cease his or her struggle and cling to me in need of comfort and solace. Why? Because when all was said and done, they knew that I loved them--loved them so much that I wouldn't let them go. So much that I would do whatever it takes to protect and care for them--no matter how much they fought. And in that moment, time stood still for the sweetest parent-child embrace--love endured through the wrestling. 
     How often I am that child wrestling against my Father and all that is-- even against the good He has for me. Why? Because in the pain and confusion of the moment, it seems that evil wins..that the odds are stacked against me and all that should be good loses. Divorce, estrangement, violence, death, loneliness, confusion, endless pain, bone-crushing weariness, and downright rebellion... Why fight the inevitable? The bigger question: Who or what am I fighting against? The world, God, evil, or myself?
     Sometimes I think I fight and wrestle because I'm simply afraid to live the life I've been given. I avoid or put off what I can do because I'm even afraid of success...of what comes next. So I fill up empty time and space with empty-minded efforts and wasted energy rather than wholeheartedly pursuing God's perfect will and purpose. Not because I want to be disobedient but because I'm afraid to fail...Maybe you can relate?
     But then there are those moments in the middle of all the questions. In the darkest of night, I remember what He has brought me through.

"I have heard all about You, Lord. I am filled with awe by Your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as You did in years gone by. And in Your anger, remember Your mercy." - Habakkuk 3:2

Even though I don't yet know who I am, I remember who HE is. Even though my world crumbles and I lose all that this life offers, I will endure... Even though I can't hear Him, see Him, feel Him, or touch Him, I remember what He has already done and somehow I know that He is still here. I can't see what He is doing or even imagine what He WILL do, but I know that God is--simply that He IS. And like Habakkuk, I cry out to God and I know that His "presence silences every lie." My wrestling soon fades into this Abba-Child embrace as I am wrapped in the arms of my Father... I am amazed.

"I will wait quietly for the coming day. . . Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, 

YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my Strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights."  -  Habakkuk 3:17-19