In My Weakest Moments...

"Each time He  said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong" - 2 Corinthians 12:9......HE within me is strong....

It's been a day today---a WHO-O-O-L-L-E day! Too much packed into one day--maybe because I tend to have this way of turning 2 days into one. And I'm left trying to process the various extremes of the day. Like in one way, I realized an old "Goliath" of mine really isn't quite so tall as I thought--nor quite the foe. I accomplished a lot but failed a bit too.

I spent time with a friend who is exactly where I've been. I want so much to be encouraging and to be strong. It's like looking at an old faded photograph, I realize how far away I am from where I used to be--there are moments I hardly remember but at the same time, the memory of those most vulnerable moments are so poignant that I also realize how very near I am to that same place....And that scares me. Sometimes I think that's the hardest point of ministry--when the calling requires that we reach out to another from our broken places. Because we've been through it, we encourage and lift up another knowing that hope and healing will come because our God works in every circumstance and uses every circumstance. He's so much bigger than anything we face. But when ministry comes from "where we've been," we are all too familiar with the desperation of those moments and places--the lostness and fragility of it all. That's when we have to trust the words and scripture God prompts us to offer another rather than trust our own feelings, insecurities, and fears using His words, not ours. Its when I want so much more for my friend than I allowed for myself at that same point of life.


God is working in her and mending her broken places because she so desperately wants that healing and surrenders to it. And in the middle of her need, God somehow uses me too to love and reassure her, to encourage her to trust in His promises and His plan even in the most difficult or confusing moments. And even now, there's that sigh of relief that I got through my own panic as I spoke His words--that I surrendered and let God use me when I was so afraid...for my friend's sake and for His.  I have no doubt of God's power at work in that moment but now, in reflection, I'm left to deal with those old feelings that still remain in me, to be reminded of my own lostness...To recognize that all that I am now is because of all that He has done in me...To trust that He's STILL working in me, sorting out all this turmoil that lingers. And to trust that He will continue helping me face my "giants" and take them down to size.


This is one of those days that I really need to examine in depth--I need to recognize and acknowledge all that has touched me and changed in me today...But for now, I'm so very tired and though there has been some great strides, accomplishments, and blessing, I'm feeling very weak and broken--like there's nothing left in the quietness of this moment but tears--because I'm "feeling" hurts and wounds I never let myself feel. But also because I know without a doubt that if God has brought me this far, He will bring me to the end of it--to wholeness and perfect healing. For today, God granted me HIS strength--certainly nothing of my own-- to reach out to another from my weakest places and He brought me through it. What can I say? I'm overwhelmed...We want God to use us most when we're strongest but sometimes He uses us best when we are the weakest.

Jesus, right now I really can't sort out all my thoughts and my feelings of the day but I know You were present in every moment and I'm so blessed, so humbled, and so very grateful. I know You carried me through moments I couldn't have gotten through on my own. So even if I can't sort it all out or understand it right now, I give you this day. Give me rest tonight knowing that tomorrow or the next day or the next, You will help me face another "goliath"--and whatever I've avoided or put aside today. Humbly and so gratefully Yours...

Apart from Christ, I am nothing...

      "Truly God is good to Israel, to those whose hearts are pure. But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping and I was almost gone... 
     ...I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain...So I tried to understand...Then I went into Your sanctuary, O God, and I finally understood...Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant--I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You.
     Yet I STILL belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My heart and flesh may fail and my spirit grow weak, but God remains the Strength of my heart; He is mine forever."--Psalm 73 (edited)
     
     Some people have called me stubborn...Maybe they're right, but maybe not so much...Ok, so they ARE right! This past week an acquaintance made a statement that I'm one of those people who can't or won't be vulnerable--implying to me that because of my inability or unwillingness to show my vulnerability to others, I'm less or not worth the effort. I was offended and my first thought is "Seriously, does this person even know me?! " but I realized that maybe her statement got to me so much because there was some truth to it--or at best, I'm only vulnerable before a very few and it makes me so angry with myself when I let even that much show. Then I began remembering another very good and honest friend telling me, "Sheri, if we talk about being real, you have to be real and open about your struggles..." 
      So yeah, maybe I do put up a front sometimes--that I'm strong when I'm not or that I'm more when I'm less, or brave when I'm afraid. Being vulnerable opens me up to be hurt or judged, exposes those areas of my heart that have been hidden most of my life, and shows people that maybe I'm not as tough or strong as I want to be. Maybe I just feel like I need to prove myself to others or even more to myself--that I can be strong or productive or successful or unafraid when I really just want to hide or run far away. Sometimes I really don't think I can or want to make it another day but I can't let other people see that. I'm just so tired of being pathetic or needy. I guess I'm just too afraid that I won't measure up to other people's expectations or worst of all, to my own. In my mind, I'm never quite good enough or strong enough or worthy enough. Sometimes I'm just really afraid I can't be what people want me to be so I make up for what I'm not by being the protector or defender of the weak or comforter of the hurting--not that it's wrong to be either but sometimes I'm too much.  Maybe I'm so determined in those roles because when I'm consumed with the struggles of others, I can ignore my own or even pretend they don't exist. My heart truly grieves over the wounds and brokenness of others. Even when I can't stand up or pray for myself, I can be a Rottweiler when it comes to standing in the gap for people whom I love and those who have been shattered by violence or injustice. 
     But there are times even in those roles when I'm feeling most vulnerable that I unconsciously put a "distance" between myself and everyone else.  I still function; I still serve; and I still accomplish good things--maybe even to the extreme.  I make myself sointent on "fixing" that I don't let myself fully "feel" their hurt because it draws me toward my own pain and I don't want my pain to showor feel so much. Sometimes I seem more callous and cold to tragic circumstances when it goes against my very nature...all because I'm afraid of getting in so deep that I let it get to me so much that I expose my own wounds for what they really are.